Ergo, the Ogre

Herbert was a bit of a show-off and more than a little conceited. He thought that he was all that and a bag of ambrosia, to be honest. He was a nice enough guy and had a lot of friends. Girls liked him, too. Herbert was known as the Chick Magnet of Crete.

Herbert’s dad had his own messenger service, a mail carrier prototype, more or less. Like today’s mail carriers, ancient Greece’s messengers were off on holidays. One Easter Sunday, Herbert was feeding and grooming his dad’s “vehicle,” which was two teams of oxen. A couple of Herbert’s friends stopped by to give him a hard time & joke around.

“Hey, Herbie!” Jason called out. “When are you gonna take us for a ride?”

“Yeah, Herbie.” Samuel echoed. “When?”

“You guys know I only have my learner’s permit.” Herbert said. “When I’m 16, which is in three months, I’ll take you two on the ride of your lives.”

“Yeah?” Samuel and Jason glanced at one another. Jason gave Samuel a wink. “What’s wrong with now? It’s your dad’s day off and your mom is with my mom at a Tupperware party. So, c’mon. Let’s go!”

“Yeah, Herbie,” Samuel said. “Let’s!”

“You know I can’t do that.” Herbert rolled his eyes. “It’s against the law. You know what kind o’ trouble I’d be in‽”

“Aw, you’re scared in other words, is that it?” Jason teased.

“I’m not scared o’ nothin.’”

“Okay. Then prove it.”

“Yeah, Herbie.” Samuel chimed in. Again. “Prove it!”

“I double dog dare ya.” Jason said quietly while looking Herbert dead in the eye.

“Yeah, Herb—, Samuel began.

“Just shut up, Samuel!” Jason interrupted. “At least until you have an original thought.”

Embarrassed, Samuel picked up a stone and began analyzing it.

Jason turned back to Herbert. “So, whaddaya say, Herbs?”

They’d gotten the best of Herbert. There’s was no way he’d turn down a dare. “Yeah, okay. Just let me get these guys harnessed and ready to go.”

Once the oxen were harnessed, Herbert turned to the two boys. “Which oxen do you want to sit on?”

“Oh, no. That’s okay.” Jason said quickly. “We’ll just watch from here.”

Herbert was beyond scared. He’d never driven his dad’s teams before. The instructors at the Oxen Vehicle Department always made him practice with calves that where small and easy to control. Adult oxen are a whole different animal.

“Okay, guys.” Herbert picked up the reins. “I’ll see you in a few.”

With that, the oxen took off at full speed dragging Herbert behind them.

Oh, shit oh crap oh hell. Herbert was almost in tears. Please do something, whichever god is in charge of stuff like this! Please?

Jason and Samuel looked up in the sky. “Wow….lookit ’em go!”

Samuel still hadn’t had an original thought, so he kept quiet.

Herbert pulled back on the reins, but nothing happened. He tried again, and still nothing. That’s when he realized that he hooked up the harness wrong. He had no control over the oxen. They were taking him on a joy ride and there wasn’t a thing he could do but hang on.

Back on the ground, Samuel noticed Herbert’s dad pull up in the family carriage. “Uh, oh.”
Jason turned around. “What?” Then he saw ‘what.’

“Good afternoon, Mr. Iraklidis. Sir.” Jason and Samuel faked big smiles.

“Hello, boys.”

“Lovely weather, isn’t it?”

Mr. Iraklidis was not interested in the weather. “Where’s Herbert? And where’s my oxen?” he asked. “I’m assuming they are together?” He was getting angry now.

The boys stared at him wide-eyed and speechless. Samuel had to go to the bathroom, but he didn’t dare ask.

“Spill it!” Mr. Iraklidis demanded. “He’s never driven those teams. He could be killed! Now, Spill it!”

The boys jumped. He sure could yell loud. Samuel didn’t have to go to the bathroom anymore.

After hearing the entire story, Mr. Iraklidis nodded and sent the boys to their respective homes.

Then he took a deep breath and let out a special whistle that he only used for the oxen.

The minute they heard that whistle, the oxen ended the joy ride with a U-turn and headed home. They almost lost Herbert during the U-turn, but he managed to hold on.

Oh, shit oh damn oh hell. That’s gotta be my dad. I am so dead.

Within no time, Herbert and the oxen were safely on the ground.

“Hi, Dad!” Herbert greeted his father as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. He then led the oxen to their watering hole. When he came back, Mr. Iraklidis stood waiting for him, fuming.

“I see you are alright.”

“Yessir, I am.”

“Good. Let’s take a walk to the barn.” Mr. Iraklidis said. “Y’know, when I was your age, I did the very same thing.”

“You did?” Herbert’s eyes were like two discuses. “What did your dad do?”

“Well, son. I’m going to show you.”