Ergo, the Ogre

Tony was not pleased with his lot in life. In fact, it was the opposite of everything he dreamed of growing up. He was a precocious child, a gregarious teenager and captain of his high school chariot-racing team. Tony was also a total chick magnet. Girls liked him and he liked them even more.

A lot of good it does me now, stuck out here in BFE. If only I hadn’t sneaked out with the principal’s daughter. I swear to the gods I didn’t know Lindsey was only 15 — heck, she was built like she was 16. Plus, she asked me out!

When Lindsey’s father caught her with Tony, they were at the drive-in watching Never on Sunday. It was the good version with Melina Mercouri. Lindsey was sipping a Coke with her head on Tony’s shoulder, and he had his arm around her.

Thank the gods we weren’t in the back seat! Not that I would ever… Just sayin’.

Suddenly, Lindsey’s father tap-tap-tapped on the passenger side window. She screamed and he yanked the door open and grabbed his daughter. Once she was out of the car he began yelling at Tony.

It was decided between both sets of parents that Lindsey would go to Kythera, an Ionian Island, to live with her Aunt Penelope until she turns 18. And Tony would be banished to an area so remote it didn’t even have a name and live out his life as sheepherder.

I have no one to talk to but sheep. Not that I don’t love animals, but sheep aren’t known for their communication skills. The babies are cute though. Really cute. Lambs, they call ’em.

And such is Tony’s life. He sits on a rock all day surrounded by his sheep and thinks about the life he could’ve had. He prays that the gods will see fit to send a human for him to talk to. Specifically, a woman.