Ergo, the Ogre

“Good morning, you gorgeous creature!” Niccolo gushed as he stared into the pond at his reflection. “A veritable Greek god come to Earth, that’s you!”

Niccolo was immensely pleased with himself — so pleased, in fact, that he couldn’t get over it. Whenever he had an opportunity to gaze upon his handsome self, he took it. Niccolo also chose to walk around nude so everyone would have the opportunity to experience the full effect of his uncommon beauty.

Niccolo was magnanimous sort, indeed.

Niccolo had no friends, which is understandable since he was so captivated with himself that he had neither the time for, nor interest in others. It was all Niccolo, all the time.

One day, as he was gazing in his favorite pool of water Kevin the ogre came up behind him. “Hey, buddy,” Kevin began. “What’s gonna happen when you get old? You’re not gonna look like that forever, y’know.”

Niccolo turned to look at the Kevin, but didn’t speak so the ogre grunted and trundled away.

Dang! I never thought about ageing. I guess it will happen eventually. Just like the ogre guy said. There’s gotta be a way around it. The more Niccolo thought about it, the more terrified he became. If I don’t have my looks, I don’t have jack. There’s only one thing to do. I must ask the gods to preserve my handsomeness forever!

Niccolo began speaking to the gods in earnest. Hera was the first to hear him.

“Zeus?” Hera called to her husband. “Come listen to this.” Zeus appeared at his wife’s side. “What is it, sweetheart?”

“Just listen.”

“Oh, geez. Niccolo again.” Zeus shook his massive head. “What is with that guy? He thinks he can live out his life and look as he does now?”

“Oh, and that isn’t all,” Hera continued. “Get this:”

Hera rewound time a bit back to when Niccolo was admiring himself in the pond. “Now, listen.”

Zeus heard Niccolo going on about himself at the pond and the part about … a veritable Greek god come to Earth.

“Can you believe it?” Hera asked.

Zeus was enraged. “How dare that goofy twerp compare himself to Us‽”

“What are you going to do, Babes?”

Thunderbolts, lightning, and sheets of rain pounded the Earth. Then Zeus summoned the winds and called on Poseidon to whip-up the Aegean a bit. “That should be good for starters.” Zeus and Hera laughed.

Back on Earth, Niccolo ran for cover. I wonder if that’s a hard no…

Niccolo continued talking to the gods and asking for favors. There was no response after the storms, but he kept at it anyway.

Finally, he decided to take a break. His voice was getting hoarse, and he became fatigued. Niccolo wandered over to his favorite pond and beheld his handsome self. “You handsome devil, you.”

At the behest of Zeus, Kevin the ogre trundled out of the forest again and sneaked up on Niccolo. He then used his massive foot to nudge Niccolo face-first into the pond. It was much deeper than it looked. Kevin was surprised when he didn’t resurface.

He simply grunted and went on about his business. His job was done.