Ergo, the Ogre

It was no secret that Hughie had a monster-crush on Andre, but no one talked about it. To the ancient Greeks, same-sex relationships were a rite of passage — kind of like cow-tipping and snipe hunting. These are things one does as a teenager, but rarely if ever did these activities continue to adulthood. And if they did continue, it was kept on the down low.

That said, Hughie had been working on a surprise for Andre for months. He was crafting a lyre made from a tortoise shell. Andre was lyre-player extraordinaire so Hughie thought this would be the perfect gift for him. Plus, it will show Andre how deep Hughie’s feelings truly are for him and that this was not simply a fleeting crush. Hughie means business.

After six months of toiling in his father’s garage, the lyre was finally finished and ready to present to Andre. Hughie slipped on his old PF Flyers and flew post haste to the olive tree that had become their meeting place. Andre was waiting for him in his best red toga — the toga that drove Hughie absolutely wild with desire.

As Hughie landed, he noticed Andre’s brow was furrowed and he was frowning.

“What the hell is that?” Andre inquired.

Hughie was perplexed at Andre’s reaction. “Why, it is a gift for you, my love.” Hughie explained. “Why are you angry? Do you not like it?”

“That depends,” Andre replied shortly. “Is that a real tortoise shell from a real tortoise?”

Hughie smiled broadly. “Why, yes, it is. Only the best for you my sweetest!”

“I see. And was the tortoise still using it at the time?”

“Uh, well, yes.” Hughie was beginning to sense Andre’s rage but had no idea what was causing it.

“So, what you’re saying is that you ripped the shell from the tortoise’s back and left him there to die, just so you could make that stupid lyre.”

“Umm. Yeah,” Hughie mumbled. That’s pretty much it.”

“How could you be so cruel, so crass‽”

“I, I don’t understand…”

“Animals have feelings, too!” Andre explained. “How do you think that poor creature felt when you ripped his shell off his back like some kind of a cretin?”

“Ummm. I, I don’t know,” Hughie stammered. “I didn’t think …”

“Obviously.” Andre fumed. “Get that thing out of my sight! And take yourself with it!”

And thus, ended yet another rite of passage.

There is a happy ending to this sad story, however. Hughie eventually became the first Animal Rights Activist of Ancient Greece while Andre studied to be a veterinarian.