Ergo, the Ogre

I didn’t always look like this, you know. Before those stupid elves came around, I stood tall and proud. Now I lean backward. It feels as though I could tip over at any moment.

And I most certainly was not hollow!

Squatters! That’s what those darn elves are. There ought to be a law! But who in their right mind is going to believe a talking tree‽ Especially when said tree is talking about elves‽

Anyway, it all started one summer’s day. There were five of them. Elves, I mean. They were talking about how I was the perfect place to bake their stinkin’ cookies. Of course, they’d have to hollow me out first.

I’ll admit it; I was scared. Damn scared. Why couldn’t they just swipe a few golden apples and call it good‽

But no, that wasn’t enough.

So, they dragged out their little pickaxes and shovels and commenced to hollow me out to make room for their ovens. Yes, you read correctly. Ovens. It seems to me, that lighting an oven inside a wooden structure is just asking for trouble.

Those little creeps thought of everything, though. They sprayed my trunk with some sort of Anti flammable stuff which causes me not to burn to death. It gets hotter than hell and most uncomfortable, but they don’t care. All they care about is their damn cookies.

One time they accidentally let a batch of cookies burn while playing leapfrog of all ridiculous things. I thought I was going to choke to death or die of smoke inhalation. Luckily, neither of those things happened, thank Zeus.

Have you ever seen a group of elves playing leapfrog? They really get into it; however, it is a bit disturbing although I can’t quite put my twig on it. Compare Elfin Leapfrog to this: It’s like the pornography in that it’s hard to describe but you know it when you see it.

I wish some kind soul would get rid of these ovens and put my innards back. Is it too much to ask?

Thanks for letting me vent.