Ergo, the Ogre

Greg was in love. Her name was Rhonda, and she was the most beautiful woman in the world to Greg. Not only was she the hottest of the hot, but Rhonda was also kind and caring; not to mention smart! And she could cook. What more could a man ask for‽

The only improvement Greg could conceive of was to get rid of that cluster of worms on her head and let her grow some real hair. But hey, you can’t have everything.

Greg’s hoplite buddies in the phalanx* didn’t see the attraction, but they would never let on that they didn’t think she was an absolute goddess. However, when Greg wasn’t around Rhonda was the preferred topic of conversation and the brunt of many jokes.

In his free time and when there weren’t any wars to fight, Greg liked to paint. He was quite good and had sold several paintings to family and acquaintances. The more sales he made the more confident he became and the more he began to challenge himself: he painted a portrait of Rhonda.

The likeness was incredible! He captured very essence of her ugliness — even his hoplite buddies were impressed at the talent it must’ve taken to jam that much ugly into one work of art.

They shook their heads in wonder.

All of a sudden, they heard a commotion and yelling in a foreign language, meaning something other than Greek.

“Holy **skatá!”A hoplite ran into their tent. “They’ve got us surrounded!”

There was panic all around, and then, the voice of reason: “Everyone stay calm. I know how to fix this.” Greg announced.

“You guys wait here.” He then carefully picked up the portrait of Rhonda and carried it outside. “I got this.”

Greg climbed atop a mound and raised the portrait above his head and yelled. “Hey, you assholes! Check out my girlfriend!”

The invaders turned to look and were immediately blinded by the unparalleled gruesomeness of the image Greg held.

Problem solved. The invading army walked around bumping into each other and slamming into trees and were no longer a threat. They were easily apprehended and taken prisoner.

Greg returned to the tent beaming with pride. “Guys, you can thank Rhonda and her stunning beauty for saving your lives. The moment they laid eyes upon her face they were blinded by her elegance and charms.”

For a moment, the men were speechless, their mouths hanging open.

And then almost in unison they replied, “Thank you, Rhonda!”

*The Ancient Greeks developed a military formation called the phalanx, which were rows of shoulder-to-shoulder hoplites. The Hoplites would lock their shields together, and the first few ranks of soldiers would project their spears out over the first rank of shields.

**shit